Tis The Season

Have I mentioned that my coworkers are strange? I have. But they can also be incredibly sweet. Case and point:

They gave me this as a present. It's both freaky and adorable. Much like the people who gave it to me. I'm touched.

In related news, I've become addicted to a new hobby: making lipbalms/sticks/glosses. Unlike many of the hobbies I find myself undertaking, this one seems to have true staying power and at least some potential for return of my investment given that a number of people have expressed interest in purchasing more for their friends and family. :) It's also INCREDIBLY fun to do!

I'm amassing an army. We will take over the world. And it will be FABULOUS.

Happy, Merry Holichrismachanukwamadan/Secular Sunday to all!

Wait For It...

So my favorite office character to write about (the Korean secretary who likes to hum weird things while walking aimlessly around the office) did something today that put a such a huge smile on my face I think I may have sprained something.

While in the midst of her aforementioned hobby of wandering and humming, she inadvertently began to hum the following melody. Please keep in mind: she is weird and Asian.



After laughing my ass off at my desk for a few minutes, I realized this was the perfect opportunity to finally use the Ninja Candi I drew a while ago. Enjoy.

An Epic Tale of Victory and Woe

Candi: I just had an epic battle

Kristin: With?

Candi: a spider

Kristin: LOL

Kristin: I see you won

Candi: I'm sitting calmly at my desk

Candi: all of a sudden, out of the corner of my eye, I see a black blur

Candi: RIGHT NEXT TO MY HAND is a GIANT black spider

Candi: I scream and LEAP out of my chair
Candi: I grab a water bottle and approach it slowly

Candi: I swing the water bottle, it dodges it

Candi: it cowers before me, feinting left, then right 

Candi: I swing again, it makes a run for the back of my desk and the safety of the clutter therein
Candi: I whap at it with the bottle until it runs under a hanging folder
Candi: I scream again in rage and slam the side of the folders with the bottle, causing them to go flying across my desk
Candi: I swing again, miss
Candi: it takes off up and over the side of the desk

Candi: I scream "NO YOU DON'T"

Candi: and whack it back down. 

Candi: it's injured
Candi: but still alive
Candi: it runs behind a box of papers
Candi: I tear the box of papers off my desk and onto the floor
Candi: there's a single sheet of paper in the corner
Candi: I know it's under there
Candi: waiting

Candi: one wrong move and it will make it under my desk, never to be seen again until it decides to crawl on me or bite me
Candi: AND I WILL NOT HAVE IT
Candi: so I run to the supply closet and find a bottle of Lysol
Candi: in one swift motion, I tear the sheet of paper away and stun it with the Lysol
Candi: it rolls around, wiggling its evil legs in agony

Candi: and while it's stunned and helpless, I CRUSH IT WITH THE WATER BOTTLE

Candi: then, panting and laughing, I begin to clean up the mess I made of my desk
Kristin: I feel that my life has now been changed after reading such an epic battle between friend and foe.
Candi: and so you should, for I have emerged victorious
Candi: and laughing at the crushed and broken body of mine enemy
Candi: FOR GLORY!
Candi: FOR VICTORY!
Candi: FOR THE SAFETY OF MY OFFICE SUPPLIES!
Candi: I'm totally making a blog post about this >_>

Oh You Silly Artificial Intelligence

Amazon.com likes to give suggestions for gifts for your loved ones. Most of them are tired stereotypes, but sometimes, just sometimes...

They miss the mark completely.

Also, and this may just be me, but do those arrows kind of look like they're trying to fertilize my Il Divo circle?

The Progression of Movie Theater Snacktime

Stage 1: Demurely pop a few kernels into your mouth before the credits start and everyone can still see you.

Stage 2: The lights are out, the movie's begun, NO ONE CAN JUDGE YOU! Chow down, baby!

Stage 3: Credits roll, lights turn on, you are now crampy, bloated, and questioning the existence of a loving God. You want to die.

I See What You Did There

Not to be indelicate but is New Jersey Governor Chris Christie really the best spokesperson for the fight against obesity?

 Just sayin'.

My Life Makes So Much More Sense Now

OMG!

WTF?

LOL!

STFU!

GTFO!

Screencaps of an interview with the greatest man in the universe and his glorious snaggletooth.

Jingle Bells

Today has been quite interesting in a number of ways. In fact it's almost played out like a Christmas carol.

On the 14th of September my office gave to me...

One overzealous Muslim:

He came in to drop off marketing materials, started speaking to me, found out I was Persian and became transfixed on the idea of setting me up with his son. He also invited me to his mosque this weekend for an Islamic festival. He made sure to point out that "there will be PONIES!" And that, should I desire, he would "find the BEST pony" for me to ride. Yes. This happened.

On the 14th of September my office gave to me...

Two delicious cupcakes:

Ok, truth be told, I gave these to me. But still. Just go with it ok?

Three no-show guests:

None of whom cancelled. And somehow I got blamed for it. :D HOORAY!

Seven Asian pears:

A friend of the owner brought a box of Korean pears to the studio and left them on my desk. Again... I don't know why.

AND FINALLY

On the 14th of September my office gave to me:

Eleven Korean orphans:

Who came by bus, spoke no English, and shamelessly flirted with me. I got winked at by nearly a dozen 14 year old orphans who didn't speak a word of English.

THIS

HAPPENED

Dreaded Genitalia

The title of this post is a very convoluted pun. Just accept it and move on.

Anyway. I was "watching" a news broadcast today for quality control when I glanced up and saw this:

I have no idea what the context for that image was, but I'm fairly certain it had nothing to do with bad jokes.

But it gave me an excuse to finally post this. Enjoy.

Destructo-Candi

I have this nervous habit of tapping my foot or shaking my leg. I've had it since I was little and it used to drive my family members crazy (still does). I recently read an article that stated that this was a normal reaction to living a life that is predominantly sedentary. Humans aren't meant to sit around for hours. And in fact, this behavior should be encouraged in children as it not only helps them concentrate on their tasks, but also is a very effective way of burning calories (people who fidget burn on average 350 more calories daily than those who sit still, SUCK ON THAT!).

ANYHOO, back to the point of this rambling story. Yesterday, I was tapping my foot as usual.

When suddenly I heard a strange noise. A rumbling. A clattering. Like the Jolly Green Giant was sashaying across the roof. The building was shaking. And for a brief moment, I legitimately thought it was because of my foot-tapping. 

It turned out OK though. It was just an earthquake. No harm done.

And It Begins....

The other secretary is out today and she forwarded her phone to mine. So I've got to take all her idiotic and often unintelligible calls in addition to my own. Not 10 mins into my day this happens:

*phone rings*

Me: Good morning *company name*.
Woman: Hello, is *name* there?
Me: No, I'm sorry, she's out today.
Woman: Oh.... so she's not there?
Me: ....No
Woman: Are you sure?
Me: Yes. Would you like me to transfer you to her voicemail?
Woman: She's not there ALL DAY?
Me: Exactly.
Woman: At all?
Me: .....
Woman: Is she on vacation?
Me: I honestly don't know.
Woman: Will she be back later?
Me: She is out all day today.
Woman: Will she be back tomorrow?
Me: I think so?
Woman: Oh.... *click*

I hate people. I hate them so hard.

In A Nutshell

I'm a writer. And when I say I'm a writer, what I mean is I occasionally go through fits of inspiration and tear through paper (either real or digital) in a mad frenzy to essentially vomit up part of my brain as words, hopefully coherent ones. When inspiration strikes, all of my higher cognitive functions shut down and I become, for all intents and purposes, a drooling primate albeit with a higher words-per-minute count than the average Great Ape.

Me, while writing.

These moments are so rare and so precious, they take precedence over all other things. Occasionally this results in me sitting at my desk all day wearing headphones.... for no reason. 

Or worse, holding the phone for hours on end until someone asks me who I'm talking to and I'm forced to say "...nobody."

"Yes, it appears to be.... no one."

Sadly, as quickly as these moments come, they are gone ever quicker, often leaving me with a half-finished paragraph and a tingling urge to throw my monitor through a plate glass window. 

William Shatner Would Be Proud

I went to the local Star Trek convention a few weeks ago and was accosted by a woman with a video camera. When asked if I wanted to participate in what sounded like "the world's longest con," I momentarily pictured myself pointing and laughing at Bernie Madoff and his amateurish scheme. I then summarily agreed. As did my companions. They however understood that we were to be contributing to the world's longest Khan and were not as disappointed as I was to be led to the side of the hotel to stand beside a tree and a pile of dirt.

I recovered quickly though and channeled all my rage towards Ricardo Montalbán and his glorious mop of 80s metal-esque hair. 

I think I got it down, no?

Our voices petered out pathetically towards the end...

If you'd like to see the actual footage, and the rest of the hilarious contributions to the longest Khan, go here: http://thelongkhan.com/

If you don't know what Khan is in reference to: shame on you. Go stand in the corner.

Pickle Surprise!

I have been accosted a number of times by spam bots on AIM. I have accepted this fact and moved on. Usually, I just ignore them. Today, however, I felt compelled to argue with a lifeless computer program:

[13:34] kirbcakes28: hi[13:35] sunburnedvampire: Hello?[13:35] kirbcakes28: Have we taIked before? 24/f here. You?[13:35] kirbcakes28: 18/f here.. what about you?[13:35] sunburnedvampire: ...[13:35] kirbcakes28: Oh ok. I wasnt sure. Well... What are you up to?[13:36] kirbcakes28: ohhh im sry i can b forgetful sometimes![13:36] sunburnedvampire: pickles[13:36] kirbcakes28: No sorry not on here[13:36] sunburnedvampire: pickles[13:37] kirbcakes28: I dont have any pics on this computer but i do have a cam baby [13:37] kirbcakes28: No sorry not on here[13:37] sunburnedvampire: PICKLES[13:38] kirbcakes28: sooo... wats up?[13:38] sunburnedvampire: ....dill pickles[13:38] sunburnedvampire: spicy[13:38] sunburnedvampire: pickles[13:38] sunburnedvampire: quoth the raven:[13:38] sunburnedvampire: PICKLES


Part of me really hopes that that was actually a person. And that they are sincerely and forever confused. 

Adventures on The Futon Frontier

Occasionally I love my coworkers. One of them came up to me today, gave me a hug and said "Did you know that you are a wonderful person?" That was awesome. A few hours later another came up to me and asked if I spoke Spanish. I said no, but I do speak Italian. She then said this: "Oh I KNEW IT! Your face is so Italian. Like, I go to pizzerias and they're Italian and you look like that! Yay!"

....verbatim....

In other, more cynical and depressing news: I bought a futon from Ikea. The idea was to get rid of the couch and bed in my room and replace them with a futon to conserve space (and because I've always wanted a full-size bed). Well I did my research, chose the model, went to the store with Bradford and lugged it back home (he did most of the lugging while I mostly stood by and cheered him on half-heartedly). I spent the better part of a day assembling it, showered, then attempted to lay back and watch TV. I say attempted because when my ass hit the mattress all I heard was CLANG CLANG CLANG as my posterior went crashing through the wooden slats holding up the futon and I wound up on the floor with my feet in the air. They slats did not break, as I initially feared, rather the flimsy plastic things holding them up kept coming loose. I had what was basically the equivalent of a Playskool futon to support my weight. Needless to say, it wasn't going to cut it. So I sat on the floor and cried for a bit. Then lugged everything back downstairs and slept on the mattress on the floor.

I bought a new futon today from a place called Futon World. It's got a reinforced steel frame and a 5 year warranty. They also deliver and assemble it. So keep your fingers crossed that I don't break my tail bone!  

Shower Power

Whenever I get out of the shower, I feel compelled to do my Super Candi stance. It makes me feel accomplished. Like I defeated an army of germs.

I cleaned my room. 

It took ten hours. Ten. Hours.

Hello My Ragtime Gal

This morning I made an unfortunate discovery.

Unfortunately the only clean underwear I could find were of the no-rise variety. So I've resigned myself to spending the day wearing basically the equivalent of a garter belt. 

Things were going good though, I'd woken up early, felt refreshed, everything was peachy. Until I tried to leave the house. To my right, against the wall, was an ant so big I swear I saw it blink. It gnashed it's mandibles at me and I dove for the door. That is, until I noticed that waiting for me on the door was a big, hairy spider. Just staring at me. What to do? I needed to lean against either the wall or the door in order to leave (our door opens inward; it's stupid that way). 

So which was it to be? Giant, mutant ant or the hairy incarnation of all that is wrong with the world?

I made the obvious choice and went with the mutant ant. At least that way there was a chance of me garnering some freaky super-power as opposed to just flailing helplessly around my driveway with my underpants around my ankles while the spider tap-danced across my head. 

True story.

Annoying People: THE REVENGE!

I may have a lot of free time at work but that's mainly because I work quickly and efficiently and thus finish things far too early. I like that. It gives me time to do my own thing. What I hate is when I spend four straight hours with my eyes glued to my monitor, not even pausing to pee until I've finished a pile of work, only to sit back and relax when I'm done and have one of my coworkers assume that I'm not doing anything. The following scene took place right after I'd finished a solid 4 hour block of mind-numbing transcription. I was still technically working by watching an outgoing DVD for quality control. It was another sermon. Apparently, this part of my job is unsatisfying to one of my managers.

Happy Baskets

I realized something today. Something shocking. Something... about grapes.

Grapes make me sad. They should be more cool. Other fruits are cool. Just look at cherries. Cherries are badass mother fuckers. They don't take flak from nobody! Try to diss a cherry and it will turn around and SHANK YOU!

Oranges are cool and they know it. They live in sunny places and get awesome commercial spots from Tropicana and Simply Orange.

But not grapes. Grapes are lame. Grapes are filler fruit. Like cantaloupe. Except cantaloupe makes me think of watermelon and watermelon makes me think of summer. And summer is cool. So by association, cantaloupe is also cool. Grapes are just sad. Don't get me wrong, I like grapes. I just don't feel as though they're pulling their weight. They're not contributing anything useful to the fruit community.

Just look at these smug little douchebags.

Stop ringing, stop ringing, STOP RINGING!

The phone. It's boring a hole through my cerebellum and causing horrific, unintended consequences. I cite the following evidence as proof that an incessantly ringing phone should be deemed psychological torture:

11am - I find myself rocking from side to side at my desk to the rhythm of the ringing. My broken office chair trembles under the weight of my growing insanity.

12pm - I've started hallucinating. There's a man walking back and forth past the window. Every so often he stops and giggles at a passing chipmunk. His ears take up approximately two thirds of the mass of his head.

1pm - I feel a wetness on my neck. My brain is leaking out of my ears.

2pm - loSt major3ity o  f motttor funczions. bRai n in p0ol on floooore...

3pm - The ringing has stopped. Could it be?!

3:04pm - Nope. All hope is lost.

Here, let me simulate the experience for you:

Ring. Ring. Ring. Ring. Ring. Ring. Ring. Ring. Ring. Ring. Ring. Ring. Ring. Ring. Ring. Ring. Ring. Ring. Ring. Ring. Ring. Ring. Ring. Ring. Ring. Ring. Ring. Ring. Ring. Ring. Ring. Ring. Ring. Ring. Ring. Ring. Ring. Ring. Ring. Ring. Ring. Ring. Ring. Ring. Ring. Ring. Ring. Ring. Ring. Ring. Ring. Ring. Ring. Ring. Ring. Ring. Ring. Ring. Ring. Ring. RING. RING. RING. RING. RING. RING. RING. RING. RING. RING. RING. RING. RING. RING. RING. RING. RING. RING. RING. RING. RING. RING. RING. RING. RING. RING. RING. RING. RING. RING. RING. RING. RING. RING. RING. RING. RING. RING. RING. RING. RING. RING. RING. RING. RING. RING. RING. RING. RING. RING. RING. RING. RING. RING. RING. RING. RING. RING. RING. RING. RING. RING. RING. RING. RING. RING. RING. RING. RING. RING. RING. RING. RING. RING. RING. RING. RING. RING. RING. RING. RING. RING. RING. RING.

Come here phone, I'd like to give you a message on behalf of me and the internets:

In conclusion: Stfu, gtfo.