Yep

I'm Back, Bitches!

Welcome to a new series I'm fondly calling Misery Loves Company: An Online Dating Extravaganza.


Episode One: Where It All Went Wrong

This is not an introduction. This is a threat. Observe:

Some other gems I've come across in people's opening statements to me:

"I want to walk you like a dog." (...woof?)

"You like that" (With no indication as to what "that" was)

"What do you look like in guys?" (I don't know, I've never worn one before.)

"Hey, you forgot your shoes in my dreams and I'd like to return them." (I actually responded to this one because... really? Really?!)

Stay tuned, there's plenty more to come!

No no no!

This is my last week here at the TV station. Here I am sitting at my desk in total silence when all of a sudden I hear this:

The guys in the back are watching it, on a loop, with the volume up to it's highest. I'm laughing so hard my tummy hurts...

Meme-orific!

So I just discovered that there's a Cardinal in New York City named Timothy Dolan.

I couldn't resist...

Adventures Abroad

Candi: I love Cabo but it's expensive
Candi: Jamaica's an option too
Candi: I have a meeting with a travel agent tonight
Bosco: Jamaican a good point
Candi: let's hope she's got some options too
Candi: I Haiti you -_-
Bosco: fuck
Bosco: i can't come up with a retort offhand
Candi: maybe you need to take a Chile pill
Candi: OH HO
Bosco: D<
Bosco: hmmm
Candi: now pardon me while I Peru-se the other vacation listings
Candi: I'M ON FIYAAA
Bosco: *siiiiiiigh*
Candi: these deals are great! I simply cannot Belize my eyes!
Bosco: Can you hear my tortured Wales of defeat?
Candi: I'd take Tim to karaoke but he Singapore
Bosco: Well wherever you can Bangkok sounds like a good time
Candi: Oman, did you taste that Turkey last night? So much Greece.
Bosco: Are you Dublin your efforts?
Candi: I don't Bolivia
Bosco: I Ottawa'sh your mind of this line of thinking.
Candi: I've tried! Iran and ran!
Bosco: Cairo you're trying, but can you try harder?
Candi: O-Cayman
Bosco: meh i'm tired
Candi: I concur
Candi: *wipes forehead*

Assholes

How NOT to get a job:

• Walk into an office uninvited.
• Be rude and condescending to the receptionist.
• LIE about your "meeting" with the hiring manager.
• Have your lie discovered.
• Be asked to leave.
• ARGUE.

Way to go, you absolute dumb bitch. I swear if she comes in again I'm calling the freaking cops...

Hate Is Such a Strong Word... Sometimes

This morning the hours were punctuated by a persistent caller. She has, at best, a tenuous grasp on the English language and an even shakier concept of what most of us would call "normal human interaction".

Our conversations went as follows:

After 2 hours of her calling every 5 minutes, on the dot, she began to get upset. She demanded to know what was taking so long. I repeated that my coworker was on a very important conference call with Korea and that I didn't know how long it would take. 

She replied, and I could not be more serious: "What!? That IMPOSSIBLE! Call Korea is expensive!" 

I said: "Yes but ma'am this is a business and we are Korean owned. We have to call out of the country very frequently."

She sputtered in disbelief: "NO! Is IMPOSSIBLE! Too expensive..."

*silence*

Me: "Ma'am?"

Her: "I call again 5 minutes."

So Long, Farewell, Auf Wieder Sehen... Goodbye

A ladybug fell on my desk this morning. I named her Grisham. Don't think about that too hard.

Anyway. She died. I am sad.

Rest in peace.

Stupidity

This is what Godiva deems appropriate supplies to host a party of 10+ people:

In case you can't tell that's 15 tiny cups (keep in mind this is a MARTINI PARTY), and 25 napkins. Oh and a handful of poorly cut recipe magnets. They also included a gift card to "purchase all the Godiva alcohol you'll need for your party." One bottle of Godiva vodka is $32+. The gift card? $20. I'm legitimately insulted by Godiva's insensitivity (during a recession no less!) and poor planning.

In comparison, check out what Benefit gave us:

Benefit sent us a giant box full of makeup. Dozens of samples of their newest products as well as 9 full size foundations in every color which they packaged in a gorgeous pink makeup totebag. They also included darling little gift bags for our guests to take samples home in AND a bag full of products for us to keep as hosts including: two types of blush, an amazing primer, eye shadow palette, eye brow cream, and more.

Bravo Benefit! I will be buying your products in the future (especially PoreFessional as it's absolutely AMAZING) and will be encouraging my guests to do so as well.

Shame on you, Godiva. You will not be receiving my business in the future.

Oh also: Happy Valentine's Day

When I woke up this morning I had no idea of the horrors that awaited me. I began my work day as usual, sitting at my desk playing a Facebook game, happy as can be.

Suddenly, a car pulled up to the door. I initially paid it no mind but it idled there for a long time so I eventually glanced up...

And there she was. Staring at me. Her eyes empty pits of despair. I was startled but I assumed she was waiting for someone so I went back to my "work."

...I'm not sure what made me look up...

Like some ghostly apparition she appeared standing just outside the door, still staring at me. Frozen in fear, I could not help but look back at her, feeling myself falling further and further into those sorcerer's pinwheels in her face. 

Finally I managed to tear my soul back from the wretched thing. But I couldn't very well leave her out in the cold. I invited her into the lobby to wait for whoever it was that she was here to see. There are two couches in the lobby and abundant floor space. Where did she chose to stand? Right in front of me. Staring. Staring. Forever. And I couldn't help but hear the whispered words of Edgar Allen Poe's prophetic masterpiece:

"Nevermore..."

Tis The Season

Have I mentioned that my coworkers are strange? I have. But they can also be incredibly sweet. Case and point:

They gave me this as a present. It's both freaky and adorable. Much like the people who gave it to me. I'm touched.

In related news, I've become addicted to a new hobby: making lipbalms/sticks/glosses. Unlike many of the hobbies I find myself undertaking, this one seems to have true staying power and at least some potential for return of my investment given that a number of people have expressed interest in purchasing more for their friends and family. :) It's also INCREDIBLY fun to do!

I'm amassing an army. We will take over the world. And it will be FABULOUS.

Happy, Merry Holichrismachanukwamadan/Secular Sunday to all!

Wait For It...

So my favorite office character to write about (the Korean secretary who likes to hum weird things while walking aimlessly around the office) did something today that put a such a huge smile on my face I think I may have sprained something.

While in the midst of her aforementioned hobby of wandering and humming, she inadvertently began to hum the following melody. Please keep in mind: she is weird and Asian.



After laughing my ass off at my desk for a few minutes, I realized this was the perfect opportunity to finally use the Ninja Candi I drew a while ago. Enjoy.

An Epic Tale of Victory and Woe

Candi: I just had an epic battle

Kristin: With?

Candi: a spider

Kristin: LOL

Kristin: I see you won

Candi: I'm sitting calmly at my desk

Candi: all of a sudden, out of the corner of my eye, I see a black blur

Candi: RIGHT NEXT TO MY HAND is a GIANT black spider

Candi: I scream and LEAP out of my chair
Candi: I grab a water bottle and approach it slowly

Candi: I swing the water bottle, it dodges it

Candi: it cowers before me, feinting left, then right 

Candi: I swing again, it makes a run for the back of my desk and the safety of the clutter therein
Candi: I whap at it with the bottle until it runs under a hanging folder
Candi: I scream again in rage and slam the side of the folders with the bottle, causing them to go flying across my desk
Candi: I swing again, miss
Candi: it takes off up and over the side of the desk

Candi: I scream "NO YOU DON'T"

Candi: and whack it back down. 

Candi: it's injured
Candi: but still alive
Candi: it runs behind a box of papers
Candi: I tear the box of papers off my desk and onto the floor
Candi: there's a single sheet of paper in the corner
Candi: I know it's under there
Candi: waiting

Candi: one wrong move and it will make it under my desk, never to be seen again until it decides to crawl on me or bite me
Candi: AND I WILL NOT HAVE IT
Candi: so I run to the supply closet and find a bottle of Lysol
Candi: in one swift motion, I tear the sheet of paper away and stun it with the Lysol
Candi: it rolls around, wiggling its evil legs in agony

Candi: and while it's stunned and helpless, I CRUSH IT WITH THE WATER BOTTLE

Candi: then, panting and laughing, I begin to clean up the mess I made of my desk
Kristin: I feel that my life has now been changed after reading such an epic battle between friend and foe.
Candi: and so you should, for I have emerged victorious
Candi: and laughing at the crushed and broken body of mine enemy
Candi: FOR GLORY!
Candi: FOR VICTORY!
Candi: FOR THE SAFETY OF MY OFFICE SUPPLIES!
Candi: I'm totally making a blog post about this >_>

Oh You Silly Artificial Intelligence

Amazon.com likes to give suggestions for gifts for your loved ones. Most of them are tired stereotypes, but sometimes, just sometimes...

They miss the mark completely.

Also, and this may just be me, but do those arrows kind of look like they're trying to fertilize my Il Divo circle?

The Progression of Movie Theater Snacktime

Stage 1: Demurely pop a few kernels into your mouth before the credits start and everyone can still see you.

Stage 2: The lights are out, the movie's begun, NO ONE CAN JUDGE YOU! Chow down, baby!

Stage 3: Credits roll, lights turn on, you are now crampy, bloated, and questioning the existence of a loving God. You want to die.

I See What You Did There

Not to be indelicate but is New Jersey Governor Chris Christie really the best spokesperson for the fight against obesity?

 Just sayin'.

My Life Makes So Much More Sense Now

OMG!

WTF?

LOL!

STFU!

GTFO!

Screencaps of an interview with the greatest man in the universe and his glorious snaggletooth.

Jingle Bells

Today has been quite interesting in a number of ways. In fact it's almost played out like a Christmas carol.

On the 14th of September my office gave to me...

One overzealous Muslim:

He came in to drop off marketing materials, started speaking to me, found out I was Persian and became transfixed on the idea of setting me up with his son. He also invited me to his mosque this weekend for an Islamic festival. He made sure to point out that "there will be PONIES!" And that, should I desire, he would "find the BEST pony" for me to ride. Yes. This happened.

On the 14th of September my office gave to me...

Two delicious cupcakes:

Ok, truth be told, I gave these to me. But still. Just go with it ok?

Three no-show guests:

None of whom cancelled. And somehow I got blamed for it. :D HOORAY!

Seven Asian pears:

A friend of the owner brought a box of Korean pears to the studio and left them on my desk. Again... I don't know why.

AND FINALLY

On the 14th of September my office gave to me:

Eleven Korean orphans:

Who came by bus, spoke no English, and shamelessly flirted with me. I got winked at by nearly a dozen 14 year old orphans who didn't speak a word of English.

THIS

HAPPENED