*grumble*

Hunger is a funny thing. It's a reminder to survive that most of us don't really need. Desire for food is not always brought on by hunger pangs; more often than not it's brought on by a commercial for a McRib or the lingering smell of popcorn in the microwave. Food may be a necessity, but it's also a huge tease.

As a member of the RMC (relatively middle-class), I have never experienced true starvation. But tell that to my stomach. Actually, please don't. I can't be responsible for what happens if you do... The rumbling of my stomach is a warning to all creatures, large and small, that Candi has not yet eaten and must not be disturbed. Woe betide those who do not heed the warning.

Hunger causes mental anguish and an acute lack of common sense regarding one's life choices. For instance:

How I view myself while hungry:

The reality:

Not hungry:

Hungry:

They'rrrrrrre FOOD!

I love Bacon's expression. 

Swiss Rolls

Everyone has an internal monologue (I know this because I watch Scrubs). Mine is a few shades shy of total madness. Occasionally I find myself walking down the proverbial street silently criticizing everyone I walk past. Things have a tendency to turn to the weird when I have no one else to talk to. Picturing people naked, wondering what they would look like on fire, and imagining them trying to kill me as I run backwards in a vat of M&Ms... I'm pretty sure these are the mentally disturbed beginnings of sociopathy.

For instance: There are two cop cars parked outside my house because they've erected a detour for some reason. Upon seeing this, I was fairly sure they were coming to get me for illegally downloading anime. Reasonably sure. They still might be.

Better flush my hard drive down the toilet.

That's a Swiss Roll. Not a turd. I understand, they're easily confused. 

The Hazards of Free Food

Every Monday morning our news director buys everyone bagels and donuts for breakfast. Yes, it's a lovely gesture, and yes I enjoy hoarding free bagels in my desk drawer like a squirrel storing nuts for winter, but before you start griping about how lucky I have it, keep in mind that I would gladly trade my bagels for a dental plan any day.

Anyway, this morning I was particularly excited about my bagel, having forgotten to eat dinner last night. I skipped, oblivious and joyfully, into the break room. I grabbed the only plain bagel in the bag, swiped a handful of mini cream cheese containers, and went on a short-lived search for a knife. We have a drawer full of plastic cutlery. I grabbed an innocuous-looking plastic butter knife and went to town on my bagel. No one could have predicted the tragedy about to befall me...

I flailed around the room for a few minutes, sucking desperately on my injured thumb until a coworker pointed out that a bandaid would be a much more effective solution.

Seriously, who cuts themselves with a piece of plastic notorious for not being sharp enough to cut through toast bread?

Mickey D's is Hardcore

My gym membership is about to expire. This knowledge is relatively meaningless to me as I haven't gone in months. Still, it brings up a very interesting subject that I hold dear to my heart: fat people. On some level, everyone's fat (at least everyone named Claire), but some people take it to spectacular levels.

Now, I don't kid myself. I'm a chunky monkey, a few scoops short of a banana split (I just made that up, but run with it ok?). But I don't panic when I approach a door. I'm relatively sure I fit in normal-people-places. 

Where am I going with this? You might ask. Absolutely nowhere. I just wanted an excuse to post this:

Pictured above: morbid obesity. Enjoy!

Drama Llama

Have you ever noticed how onigiri always look like they've just walked in on their best friend having sex with a water buffalo?