Personification

It Has To Be Said...

Colloquially Candi: Part One

Way Too Much Time...

The Hazards of Free Food

Every Monday morning our news director buys everyone bagels and donuts for breakfast. Yes, it's a lovely gesture, and yes I enjoy hoarding free bagels in my desk drawer like a squirrel storing nuts for winter, but before you start griping about how lucky I have it, keep in mind that I would gladly trade my bagels for a dental plan any day.

Anyway, this morning I was particularly excited about my bagel, having forgotten to eat dinner last night. I skipped, oblivious and joyfully, into the break room. I grabbed the only plain bagel in the bag, swiped a handful of mini cream cheese containers, and went on a short-lived search for a knife. We have a drawer full of plastic cutlery. I grabbed an innocuous-looking plastic butter knife and went to town on my bagel. No one could have predicted the tragedy about to befall me...

I flailed around the room for a few minutes, sucking desperately on my injured thumb until a coworker pointed out that a bandaid would be a much more effective solution.

Seriously, who cuts themselves with a piece of plastic notorious for not being sharp enough to cut through toast bread?

I Am A Warrior

I walked into my bedroom earlier and my spidey senses began tingling. Sure enough, hanging inconspicuously in the corner, was an eight-legged creepy-crawly from HELL. I grabbed my trusty Swiffer and, armed to the teeth, I launched my assault on its smug little face.

Mickey D's is Hardcore

My gym membership is about to expire. This knowledge is relatively meaningless to me as I haven't gone in months. Still, it brings up a very interesting subject that I hold dear to my heart: fat people. On some level, everyone's fat (at least everyone named Claire), but some people take it to spectacular levels.

Now, I don't kid myself. I'm a chunky monkey, a few scoops short of a banana split (I just made that up, but run with it ok?). But I don't panic when I approach a door. I'm relatively sure I fit in normal-people-places. 

Where am I going with this? You might ask. Absolutely nowhere. I just wanted an excuse to post this:

Pictured above: morbid obesity. Enjoy!

Avast Ye Mateys!

Sneezing with a broken rib is kind of like being punched in the side by Captain Hook.