An Epic Tale of Victory and Woe

Candi: I just had an epic battle

Kristin: With?

Candi: a spider

Kristin: LOL

Kristin: I see you won

Candi: I'm sitting calmly at my desk

Candi: all of a sudden, out of the corner of my eye, I see a black blur

Candi: RIGHT NEXT TO MY HAND is a GIANT black spider

Candi: I scream and LEAP out of my chair
Candi: I grab a water bottle and approach it slowly

Candi: I swing the water bottle, it dodges it

Candi: it cowers before me, feinting left, then right 

Candi: I swing again, it makes a run for the back of my desk and the safety of the clutter therein
Candi: I whap at it with the bottle until it runs under a hanging folder
Candi: I scream again in rage and slam the side of the folders with the bottle, causing them to go flying across my desk
Candi: I swing again, miss
Candi: it takes off up and over the side of the desk

Candi: I scream "NO YOU DON'T"

Candi: and whack it back down. 

Candi: it's injured
Candi: but still alive
Candi: it runs behind a box of papers
Candi: I tear the box of papers off my desk and onto the floor
Candi: there's a single sheet of paper in the corner
Candi: I know it's under there
Candi: waiting

Candi: one wrong move and it will make it under my desk, never to be seen again until it decides to crawl on me or bite me
Candi: AND I WILL NOT HAVE IT
Candi: so I run to the supply closet and find a bottle of Lysol
Candi: in one swift motion, I tear the sheet of paper away and stun it with the Lysol
Candi: it rolls around, wiggling its evil legs in agony

Candi: and while it's stunned and helpless, I CRUSH IT WITH THE WATER BOTTLE

Candi: then, panting and laughing, I begin to clean up the mess I made of my desk
Kristin: I feel that my life has now been changed after reading such an epic battle between friend and foe.
Candi: and so you should, for I have emerged victorious
Candi: and laughing at the crushed and broken body of mine enemy
Candi: FOR GLORY!
Candi: FOR VICTORY!
Candi: FOR THE SAFETY OF MY OFFICE SUPPLIES!
Candi: I'm totally making a blog post about this >_>

Oh You Silly Artificial Intelligence

Amazon.com likes to give suggestions for gifts for your loved ones. Most of them are tired stereotypes, but sometimes, just sometimes...

They miss the mark completely.

Also, and this may just be me, but do those arrows kind of look like they're trying to fertilize my Il Divo circle?

The Progression of Movie Theater Snacktime

Stage 1: Demurely pop a few kernels into your mouth before the credits start and everyone can still see you.

Stage 2: The lights are out, the movie's begun, NO ONE CAN JUDGE YOU! Chow down, baby!

Stage 3: Credits roll, lights turn on, you are now crampy, bloated, and questioning the existence of a loving God. You want to die.

I See What You Did There

Not to be indelicate but is New Jersey Governor Chris Christie really the best spokesperson for the fight against obesity?

 Just sayin'.

My Life Makes So Much More Sense Now

OMG!

WTF?

LOL!

STFU!

GTFO!

Screencaps of an interview with the greatest man in the universe and his glorious snaggletooth.